I Dont Wanna

I don't wanna feel the way I do about him. I don't wanna fall back into that pitiful state of vulnerablity. I hate wondering who he's doing on the nights when we're not hanging out. I hate that I even wonder. I hate the girls that put up with that shit and now I'm doing it. I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate him for what he makes me do to myself. I hate thinking about him, I hate talking about him, I hate seeing his name on my caller id, I just am so tired of feeling like this. I gotta stop dealing with dating this way. I've screwed up so many possibly amazing relationships with guys I like because I was too scared to ever bring it up or let them bring it up, and I'm back at that place again. I don't want to let this dissolve and I don't want to do anything about it. I just want to be. Just to be another girl that isn't mixed up in this chaos.