Getting My Priorities Straight

I was a late bloomer. Not physically, actually I was privledged enough to lead the pack in that department, but mentally. I wasn't ready to give up recess after 6th grade, wasn't ready get my driver's license in 10th, to graduate in 12th, and then to leave home the summer after. I'm not ready now to lose all my friends to their boyfriends, though I'm not angered by it anymore. I'm not ready for a serious anything, and the fact that they are makes me feel so young yet I'm actually that old. I'm scared that I'll wake up a wringly 50-year old maid and decide that morning that I want a boyfriend. Then what? Youth is truely wasted on the young. I wish I had a real reason for not wanting a relationship besides just not feeling right about it. Hot flashes and hormone therapy sound like good enough excuses to me. I should clarify myself by saying that I do eventually want to start a family, but how long is too long to wait for that? I don't wanna be popping out babies in my thirties but I don't wanna settle down until I've seen enough of this world. There are too many things I still want to do without being tied down. I do wanna finish school, I do wanna drink until the sun comes up 500 more times, I do want to spend a summer going to 6 flags every weekend, I do want to spend a week at the beach with my friends. Maybe this is the summer I should do those things. It really is my last one. Grad students don't get summer vacation. I have 2 semesters of grad school then I'm done and have to be a grown-up. I hate it. I wish time wouldn't pass so quickly. I wish I could freeze my body and my friends' bodies for 10 more years so we can get the chance to accomplish everything. If I've learned anything this year after Ben and Derek died it's that life is so short. Too short for me to get everything I want done and too short for me to stay as shelled up as I've been. I wish I wasn't so terrified of reaching out to people. I wish I wasn't constantly seeking my parents' approval for everything because honestly, I will never reach the level of respect from them that I've been striving towards. That doesn't mean I suck, it means that I rerouted myself from the direction they saw me going. I wish I could comprehend that better and stop being such a puss with everything and everybody else. Letting a couple people know when things are bothering me isn't going to make me look like lesser of a person. My pride is becoming my worst enemy.