Another Spout of My Ridiculous Dating Problems

I hate that I only remember I have this thing when I'm having relationship problems. Especially because they are always about the same 2 boys! Take away the boy my last entry was about and insert the other one. I KNOW I am being used. Not sexually. We don't have sex, and honestly I don't even know if the boy realizes that he's using me since it isn't about sex. I make myself too convenient for him. I know that I do. I know that I pick up my phone every single fucking time he calls. I know I risk doing stupid shit to get my parents pissed off at me just to go and hangout and then be disappointed by him time and time again. I'm so over it. I am so, so, so over it. This past weekend was probably the best I've had with him the entire 7 months we've known each other, and yet it is because of that that I realize how much I need to let this go. I need to let this go. I know that I am going to just get attached again and it's going to be that much harder to move on AGAIN. I need to refocus my life and stop worrying so much about not meeting somebody that would want to marry me. But the fact of the matter is that I DO want to be married. I want to be a mom more then what I am studying to be. I want to have a family and just to love and be loved. I am TERRIFIED of ending up alone. Especially when the past couple years have revealed to me that there is a good chance that I will since I have built up such ridiculous walls around my emotions. Maybe that's why I continue to pick up where we did (or didn't) leave off. Maybe I think that eventually he will see that I am what he wanted all along. Yet I know that he probably won't. I know that even if he did, it would only be because it didnt work out with whoever he originally wanted it to work out with. I'm just so incredibly frustrated with myself. Egh. Life is too short to cry over the same person more then once.